Matchmaker, Matchmaker, Make Me a Match!

It is interesting that in a month of "suffering" there is national matchmaking day, 15th of Av. Rebbetzin Esther Jungreis has been making shidduchim since the age of 16; her experience and guidance is priceless.

(See Video Below:)

The Rebbetzin "always tell young singles that, while chemistry and physical attraction cannot be discounted, nevertheless, our society, places much too much emphasis on them. Our materialistic culture insidiously influences our attitudes, and often physical appearance becomes the single most important factor when it comes to marriage. Singles tend to look for electricity rather than substance, and they fail to remember that, even in New York City, there was a power failure! And when those lights go out, and there is pitch darkness, you need a great inner light to keep you going, hence the many failed marriages.

"More important than gazing into someone’s eyes is the ability to gaze in the same direction and to live with common aims and goals, and to have a spiritual connection. It was this spiritual bonding that made the marriages of our patriarchs and matriarchs so special. It is written that “Isaac took Rebecca into his mother’s tent (taught her Sarah’s Torah and made that spiritual connection), only then, did he marry her. It was only after marriage that the Torah states that he loved her, teaching us that if a marriage is to be built on a solid foundation, if love is to grow and thrive, husband and wife must be bound spiritually.

One of the factors preventing marriages from taking place is that many singles have unrealistic expectations and get hung up on the physical and the material.

As always, we look into the Torah and as mentioned above, "The Torah's first encounter with a match was Isaac and Rivkah. Abraham "knew that the shidduch would be a life-altering decision that would impact, not only on his son, but on all future generations as well. Abraham’s example imparts a lesson to all of us for all time: Finding an appropriate shidduch for our children must be the greatest priority of every parent. Eliezer appreciated the awesomeness of this mission and prayed for Divine guidance, for he understood that even a man like his master, who was holy and righteous, needed G-d’s help and intervention. In addition to prayer, Eliezer devised a litmus test which would indicate to him whether he was on the right path. The purpose of that litmus test could be summed up in one word - chesed - loving kindness. The girl who was endowed with loving-kindness would be the appropriate wife for Isaac.

"The litmus test of Abraham’s servant has all but been abandoned. Today, it’s not chesed - loving kindness, midos tovos - good character traits, that are the most important factor when it comes to making a shidduch. Today, more important than what is in a girl’s heart is what is in her parent’s pockets, and more important than the measure of her goodness, is the measure of her appearance, and so we have lost sight of the most important criteria in seeking a shidduch." What can we learn from this? How do we internalize these teachings?

The Rebbetzin stresses the importance for singles to do their share: "Too often they receive recommendations and never follow through. They put forth all sorts of lame excuses. ”We’ve been playing telephone tag” “I’ve been so busy”, etc., etc. If they are truly interested in making a shidduch (and every single should be), then these excuses hold no water. Furthermore, when going on dates, they should refrain from making superficial snap judgments. First impressions can be misleading. Not everyone is able to present him or herself in a positive light..so always try to give a second chance.

"Adopt the litmus test of Eliezer and make good character traits the most important priority when searching for a mate. When chesed is a priority, then everything else will fall into place, but when chesed is missing, all else will fail, for even the most beautiful or handsome face can turn sour and repugnant when callousness replaces sensitivity and meanness replaces kindness.

"Singles must be realistic about themselves and not expect perfection in those areas in which they themselves are imperfect (It never ceases to amaze how people just don’t see themselves). Above all, singles should follow the lead of Eliezer, who prayed that G-d send the right shidduch. Our sages teach that mincha - the afternoon service, is especially propitious for shidduchim, for our Patriarch Isaac was davening mincha when Rebecca appeared."

There are two midrashim that bring all of this together. The first midrash relates that weeks before you are born, a Heavenly Voice proclaims who you will marry. The second midrash says that a Roman matron once asked Rabbi Yosi ben Chalafta, “Now that G-d has finished creating the universe, what does He do?” The Rabbi replied that G-d now makes matches, bringing couples together so that they can marry each other. Hashem is involved in every aspect, from the beginning of the match till its conception. Let's follow the Rebbetzin's advice, whether it is going good or bad, easy or hard, say "Baruch Hashem"...

This is all easier said than done, we can try to have hope, patience and Emunah, but it is easy to get carried away with the pressures of society. In times of hardship do Chessed! Why? Because "You will quickly discover that, when you forget your own problems and reach out to others, then the world reaches out to you. Long ago, King David proclaimed, “HaShem Tzilcha...” - “G-d is your shadow, whatever you do, your shadow reflects.” If you would like to download blessings from HaShem, the best way is to impart blessing to others"

It is hard when everyone around you is getting married. "So when you receive an invitation to a wedding, accept it with joy and gratitude. Even if you don’t feel that way, pretend, and that which started out insincerely, will eventually become sincere. At weddings force yourself to dance with the Kallah with gusto, even if your heart isn’t in it. It’s easy to dance when one feels exuberant, but to dance for the sake of a mitzvah, even when one is depressed, is the test of a great person. If you can develop such discipline, it will surely be noted in the Heavens above, and who knows what blessings you will accrue as a result.."

May the Rebbetzin's words be heard in Shamayim, may everyone find their besheret, soulmate, at the right time and may we all be zochet to see the coming of Mashiach, beyameinu, Amen.